In which I enjoy nicknames, Sarah Palin adds writing to her many hobbies, and CNN provides facts.

A note: I really don't want to offend anyone. So if you're an avid Palin-lover, or if you just know that my particular brand of political fun-poking tends to rub you the wrong way, you probably shouldn't keep reading. I'm not going to pretend this is sophisticated satire. It's just me making fun of the one, the only, Sarah Barracuda.

If you're looking for a slightly more factual version of events, CNN can help you out! Hop on over. http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/09/28/palins-book-to-be-called-going-rogue-an-american-life/

So, you guys. I'm sure it'll come as no surprise that one very special lady has been on my mind recently. Much as I'd like her to make herself scarce, she's terrifyingly persistent-- and, somehow, manages to be thought of as consistently newsworthy.

Known to her friends (I imagine) as the Moose Terminator, she's been making headlines yet again. Yes, I'm talking about everyone's favorite Tina Fey knockoff, a woman who needs no introduction, but whom I have so much fun introducing that it's impressive I restrained myself and only mocked her for two paragraphs before I got to the point. She's the only pitbull you know who not only wears lipstick, but shops at Neiman Marcus, and the only public servant in the country who knows the only way to truly serve the people is by quitting halfway through your term and then publishing a memoir.

Oh Sarah.

Presumably this book (reportedly titled Going Rogue: An American Life) will provide guidance to the good ol' citizens of the U.S. of A, so we can all follow in her gun-totin', Russia-watchin', book-bannin', state-trooper-firin', liberal-media-elite-hatin', Letterman-fightin', terrorist-defeatin' ways. 

Actually, the most uplifting thing about this news is that Sarah Palin is writing her memoirs. Think about it, guys. While memoirs are technically defined simply as, "an account of the personal experiences of an author" (or so dictionary.com tells me), stereotypically people write memoirs when they have nothing more to contribute to society. They're done, and now they're going to tell us all about it. 

I'm not saying I hope Sarah Palin dies, guys, I'm really not. That would just be messed up. I'm saying, I hope she's decided to settle down, write her memoirs, AND NEVER MAKE HEADLINES AGAIN.

We can only hope, America. 

We can only hope. 

(Also, Sarah dear, one quick aside: why in the world would you call it "An American Life?" I'm assuming you're not yet finished with living the aforementioned life, unless you are either going to enter some kind of underground, moose vs. humans boxing circuit, or have finally decided to become a Canadian citizen, so as to keep a closer eye on those wily Russians. But if neither of those things are true-- and I'm guessing they're not-- why make it sound like you're putting a neat beginning and ending on your own life? IT'S NOT OVER YET.) 

Again: http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/09/28/palins-book-to-be-called-going-rogue-an-american-life/. 

And thanks Adriana, for pointing out that Sarah was going to release the story of her life to us lucky members of the general public. :D

In which I enjoy the comedy YouTube provides.

It would be difficult for me to adore this more if I tried. I'm not entirely sure why, except that we can all relate, can't we? The wrong number conversation.

I am also, by-in-large, enjoying college as well. But not as much as this clip. Obviously.

...Sue? 

In which there are monuments, baseball games, and petty acts of thievery.

Hello, world! 

...Or something!

So I was on Facebook-- as, I have it on good authority, all the cool kids are-- when who should message me but Eric! As I have, in the past, found Eric to be a dispenser of infinite wisdom, I sat up and paid attention to the following:

"Emily! Why have I not heard exciting collegeish stories?"

The obvious answer to this question is, of course, because I don't have any. But really, who settles for not having any exciting stories to share when there's the possibility, staring them in the face, of hyping up existing stories until they seem exciting! 

So that, ladies and gents, is exactly what I'm about to do. 

Exciting Story #1: The Monuments

Actually, the basic requirements for finding this story exciting are: (1) a love of history; and (2) a love of pretty things which light up. And since I have a love of both those things, I was pretty much head-over-heels in love with the entire "monuments at night" experience. I saw The Washington Monument (aka, our nation's favorite gigantic, phallic symbol), the World War II Memorial (which is amazing, but totally fails to be captured successfully in any single picture; aerial photography might do the trick, but I have my doubts); the Lincoln Memorial, the Korean War Memorial (which, in a moment of total seriousness, is my favorite of all the war memorials, and should totally be seen at night or not at all, because it is at its best and its eeriest at night), and the Vietnam War Memorial. 

I also talked fiscal politics with a Republican-- weird! plus I was totally out of my depth! I'm a social issues girl, guys!-- and paid a visit to a bathroom with automatic soap dispenser, but no paper towels. 

Exciting Story #2: The Baseball Game

OHMYGOD I LOVE BASEBALL. And I was not getting my baseball fix. Nope. So when my uncle invited me to a Washington Nationals game, I disregarded the fact that the Nationals are, quite literally, the worst team in the nation (this is a fact which can be statistically proven), and jumped at the chance. I'm used to rooting for teams which perpetually loser, after all. Go Mariners! ;]

Anywho! This game? Yeah, it turned into a Baseball Saga. It was like the Iliad, the Odyssey, and Harry Potter, all rolled into a baseball game.

(Actually, that's a total lie-- it was just a really long baseball game, which lasted three hours and forty-four minutes, but which did not involve, as far as I could tell, any long sailing journeys, machinations in the lives of men courtesy of weirdly apathetic gods, or wizards.)

BUT. 

The game concluded with a fireworks show set to the songs of The Beatles. YES.

Exciting Story #3: Stealing Bread

Oh yeah. I saved the really exciting stuff for last. BAM.

Some quick back story, so we can get to the petty thievery: on Saturday, I went to dinner, a movie, and then Cheesecake Factory. Oh God, you guys, I adore Cheesecake Factory. It is delightful. Anyway, the Cheesecake Factory in Friendship Heights doesn't have a takeout counter? Which is how I've always eaten at Cheesecake Factory before. I've just hurried in, ordered a slice, and left again. But at this one, we actually had to walk in and sit down, which meant that the waiter came up to us, provided us with a menu, a basket of bread, several tablets of butter, and began listing the specials.

WE WERE FLUMMOXED.

We weren't sure exactly how to explain to the waiter that we wanted to skip straight to dessert? I felt it might be rude! And he just kept talking about how they had really good fish! And I just kept fidgeting, wanting to blurt out something along the lines of, "Oh God, oh God, keep your fish away from me! Please just bring me cheeeeeesecake! I want cheesecake; I am staring at the TWO PAGES in your menu which are devoted to cheesecake, and for God's sake, I really would like dessert. You work in a place called THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY. Surely I am not the first person to walk in expecting cheesecake!"

(Anyway, I ended up basically just shouting at a retreating waiter, "Um, actually could we just have dessert?" Which turned out to be the way to go, since, uh, he basically just went, "Yep!")

SO ANYWHO.

The bread was still just sitting there, staring at me. And guys, I wanted that bread. There's not enough bread hanging out in my dorm room. Like, there's peanut butter. There's jelly. There's cream cheese. There's honey. THERE ARE THINGS WHICH COULD CONCEIVABLY GO ON BREAD.

So damn it, I wanted that bread. 

Of course I could not finish the cheesecake in one sitting; who can, at The Cheesecake Factory? So I asked the waiter to bring me a box. And with that box, he provided a bag. A bag that was far larger than the box. In fact, when the box (containing some seriously delicious Oreo Mudslide cheesecake) had been deposited in the bag, there was still copious amounts of space. 

So I looked around, vaguely guilty, and then grabbed the bread basket and dumped the entire thing in the bag, paid the bill in a frenzy, and fled the Scene of The Crime.

I'm so rebellious. 

...

Guys, no joke, that is the most impressive thing I've done since arriving at college. No wild parties, no crazy shenanigans, no D.C. drama. Just stealing bread that I was entirely entitled to, from a restaurant whose main function OUGHT TO BE providing dessert.

I won't lie, though. I'm happier sans the crazy, rebellious drama (which, as you all know, has been a hallmark of my life up until this point). ;] 

Hope everyone's doing well! 

Ack.

Hi! My name is Emily Gogerty-Northrip. And while you, dear readers (i.e., Jenna and Laurel, hey guys!), may remember me as a relatively sane and functional human being, well, the person I am now is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

And what's done this to me? 

College. College has made me utterly and completely bipolar.

On the one hand, college! I am thrilled to be here, because "here" is COLLEGE, a place where my dorky self can find all the learning she can possibly fit into four years. I have actually learned something new every day-- since when is that actually true? Isn't that usually just a truism? Like, "oh, you learn something new every day," but in reality you mostly spend your days putting to use stuff that you already knew, sometimes in vaguely innovative but mostly repetitive ways, which I know sounds terrible and boring when you read it there, but can sometimes be lovely and comforting and anyway that's not the point. Whatever, I'm tired, ignore that part. The point is, I'M LEARNING THINGS. And that's fun. 

Also, I'm in D.C.! Land of the free museums, and the free monuments, and the free concerts, and the free...free-ness! You guys, everything's free. Which is nice, since college is, um, not.

ON THE OTHER HAND.

I miss you guys. :[ 

Not all the time, obviously. Your absence is not, like, a constant hole in my heart, as sweet and yet dependent and melodramatic as that would be. But I feel really cut off from everyone, and when I'm not frantically running around trying to get things done/actually doing the things which are supposed to be getting done (whatever! I'm tired! shut up!), I miss everyone. I hate that I'm in a different time zone. I feel like I don't actually talk to anyone any more. I'm hardly ever on facebook at the same time as lots of my friends. And I haven't talked to Camille in forever! And she is just one example! And that's not cool! :[

I know this is a new chapter of my life, blah blah blah, exciting, whatever and IT IS, okay, fine, but I don't want to totally ditch everyone I used to know. But most of them will be going to school in the same city/general area, and I am not there, and I will not be hanging out with anyone until December, aaaaaaaand FREAKING TIME ZONES I NEVER GET TO TALK TO PEOPLE.

Okay. That is all. :P