In which I am furious, and Glenn Beck is some kind of robot designed to break the "offensive and hateful sentences per minute" record.

You know when you're confronted with something so outrageous, so downright insane, that for a second you just think, "Hey, this can't be real, right? I mean, obviously I'm going crazy, because there is no way that's happening." 

Glenn Beck's (he's a talk radio show host, and he hosts a TV show on Fox) popularity is, for me, one of those things. Heck, the fact that he has the sheer nerve to say half the things he says would be admirable, if he wasn't such an absolute piece of pond scum. 

I'm sure this is old news to a lot of people, but in case it's not, I'd like to share with you a couple of things that make me feel like pulling out Ye Olde Insultes: 

"When you are rioting for these tickets, or these ATM cards, the second thing that came to mind was -- and this is horrible to say, and I wonder if I'm alone in this -- you know it took me about a year to start hating the 9-11 victims' families? Took me about a year. And I had such compassion for them, and I really wanted to help them, and I was behind, you know, "Let's give them money, let's get this started." All this stuff. And I really didn't -- of the 3,000 victims' families, I don't hate all of them. Probably about 10 of them. And when I see a 9-11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, "Oh shut up!" I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining. And we did our best for them. And again, it's only about 10. 

But the second I thought I had when I saw those people and they had to shut down the Astrodome and lock it down, I thought: I didn't think I could hate victims faster than the 9-11 victims. These guys -- you know, it's really sad. We're not hearing anything about Mississippi. We're not hearing anything about Alabama. We're hearing about the victims in New Orleans. This is a 90,000-square-mile disaster site, New Orleans is 181 square miles. A hundred and -- 0.2 percent of the disaster area is New Orleans! And that's all we're hearing about, are the people in New Orleans. Those are the only ones we're seeing on television are the scumbags -- and again, it's not all the people in New Orleans. Most of the people in New Orleans got out! It's just a small percentage of those who were left in New Orleans, or who decided to stay in New Orleans, and they're getting all the attention. It's exactly like the 9-11 victims' families. There's about 10 of them that are spoiling it for everybody." 

Spoiling it? Spoiling what? Spoiling death, and tragedy, and and and-- guys. Guys. I was going through that, trying to put in bold all the parts that make me actually want to die, and I couldn't. There's too much. It's all of it! It really is. Please, just read the whole disgusting thing, if you can take that much. 

As much as I hate to give the man any more publicity, as much as I would love for him to just fade into well-deserved obscurity, I don't think he's going to. So I feel the need to point out that these things that he's said? They're the so very, very far removed from okay. 

I just-- he only hates maybe ten families? How in the world does that make it alright? "Pssh, I hate 10 families out of 3,000. Come on, guys, I only hate 10 families who have gone through hell, who have lost loved ones in a national tragedy, whose suffering I can't even imagine. Why're you looking at me funny? It's totally justifiable!"

I don't care what Glenn Beck thinks of how people conducted themselves in the aftermath of 9/11. I don't care how he feels about those 10 families. I fervently wish he would just shut up and keep it to himself, because nothing in the world would give him the right to say these things. Let him internalize his self-righteous vitriol and his hate and his sheer senselessness. Because I enjoy hearing from people I disagree with-- I think it's healthy, and it's good, and it makes for a strange, frustrating, and wonderful political system-- but I don't enjoy hearing it when it's a hateful cheapening of the public discourse. 

How can one person be so completely and blithely offensive?  

He's said plenty of other awful things, of course. Google him, if you're interested. It's a fun time, let me tell you. 

Argh. Something really fantastic better happen somewhere in the world right about now, because if I try to finish my life philosophy essay at the moment, it will not be a pretty sight. 

In which long walks on the beach are not an exaggeration, I have no life philosophy, and goats are cool.

This is my MOST FAVORITEST (...hee) comic of the day, from xkcd. :]

I am not overly fond of camping (I'm not against it or anything, it it just not on my list of favorite things to do), nor of beaches, but by God, I would so want to date this person. I mean, that is standing by principles! ;]

In other (completely unrelated news), look, I am blogging again! Ta-da. Be proud of me. 

STUFFSES (STUFFI?):

Stuff #1:

"You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things."

-- Jon Stewart

Me too, Jon. Me too. 

Stuff #2:

I am trying to figure out how to write my English essay? And I think my life philosophy is sort of tragically underdeveloped. As of right now, my paper is probably going to look like this:

I am a fan of living. I pretty much just enjoy it. Not all of the time, obviously, because that would be creepy and vaguely Barbie-ish of me, what with the perma-smile and everything, but for a not-small portion of the time, I enjoy myself. Even when I am a gigantic ball of stress, as does occasionally happen, there is usually something cool to distract me. Like snow, or ice cream, or puppies. 

I like puppies! Also, kittens.

THE END.

Ohhhh, self. Get a philosophy, STAT.

Stuff #3:

If the world wasn't full of ridiculous and vapid-- but charmingly upbeat-- music, I really might just die. I would sort of fall over and twitch for a bit, and when there was no chirpy, silly music, I would give up the ghost. 

Stuff #4: 

You know what's cool? Goats. Goats are cool. 

Stuff #5:

It would be good if I could just kind of turn off my thinking for a little bit every once in a while. I would appreciate it anyway. I would probably get more sleep. And be a slightly more vacant person, but hey. I'd trade it. Not all the time! Just. Sometimes?

Stuff #6:

A thought-- what would happen if I just came to school dressed as some obscure/made up superhero? Would people just figure I was nuts? Would they just figure I was a superhero? Would anyone ask me to get a cat out of a tree? Would I be able to find a phone booth to change in? Related-- what does Superman change in, now that phone booths are no more? 

Alright, guys, that's really all the stuff I've got, at the moment! I am going to be in Oregon starting on Wednesday, but I will (theoretically) have free access to the internets, which will be a thing of glory. I can tell you all about my Shakespeare Festival experience, sans Shakespeare.  

Someday I'm going to write up a Hamlet In Five Minutes type thing. It'll be fun. Cathartic, if you will. ;]

In which the world fails to make sense, there is ice cream, and I have a brilliant idea.

Learnin' is hard, but all the same I have learned several things in the past couple of days. Things I have learned!

1. When the world ceases to make sense for a period of time longer than say, five or ten minutes, ice cream is usually helpful. Technically, ice cream is always helpful. But when the balance of sense in the world shifts a little more toward ridiculousness, it is best to just have some ice cream and forget about it. 

2. The world rarely makes sense; one cannot simply eat ice cream ALL OF THE TIME. Though, it's obviously kind of tempting. 

3. There are some impressive poems about welding sitting around on the internets. I'm just saying.

4. See, that doesn't exactly make heaps of sense, does it? Go ahead, reach for the ice cream. 

5. Know what else is cool? Blowing bubbles. Blowing bubbles is cool. I like to think that someday, when I am old, and boring, and have to do taxes (these things are not all necessarily linked), I will get incredibly stressed, and instead of shredding my taxes (which would set me back quite a ways, and probably annoy the IRS to no end), I will find someplace without carpet, and I will blow some bubbles. Yessssss.

6. There should be ice cream flavored bubbles. Yeah. YEAH.

That is all.

In which there are lots of lists, lists are fab, and I do not walk on porcupines.

Lately, in Commoner, there have been lists. Well, lists of sorts. Lists of Things Which Make People Happy. I have always been a fan of lists such as these, and in fact of all lists, and so I have made rather a lot of lists.

Now I share some of those lists with you, internets. Do with them what you will.

(Well, within reason. I don't know what you'd do with these lists that was without reason, but whatever it would be? Don't do it.)

Top Five Things That Hurt My Feet

1. Hiking in really terrible shoes.

2. Hiking in shoes that are just sort of okay.

3. Standing around making small talk in heels.

4. Taking showers that are too hot.

5. Walking on porcupines.

(Please note: I do not walk on porcupines. This would hurt not only my feet, but also, presumably, the porcupines. Also, I would have to procure several relatively docile porcupines, and then dredge up the courage and the cruelty to walk on them. I could not do any of those things! I would be a really spectacular failure at walking on porcupines.)

Top Five Words I Could Not Live Without

1. Fab

2. Spectacular

3. Bye-eee! 

4. Really-kind-of 

5. Splendiferous

(Please note: "Bye-eee!" should be said in Tina Fey's Sarah Palin voice; I use the three words, "really," "kind," and "of" together so often that they count as one word in my book; I could live without the word splendiferous, but would not want to; this list is completely different from my list of Favorite Words To Say, seriously.)

Top Five Books I'd Like To See Written

1. The Things Duct Tape Cannot Fix

2. How I Cheated At Monopoly (And Didn't Get Caught)

3. A Distinct Lack of Dazzle 

4. The Life and Times of Princess Leia's Hair

5. Where's My Wandering Parakeet?

(Please note: The Things Duct Tape Cannot Fix would be an awfully short book; I have no idea what any of these books would be about-- feel free to suggest things, because I think that would be amusing/interesting/generally great; it could be argued that I am writing number five, but it could also be argued that someone else really would do it better justice.)

Top Five 'How To' Guides I Would Actually Find Useful

1. How To Ignore The Pain From A Hangnail

2. How To Eliminate Writer's Block

3. How To Fold Road Maps Back Into Their Original Shapes

4. How To Free Tibet

5. How To Make Friends With Either One or Several Penguins

(Please note: if anyone knows how to do any of these things, you should really be rich by now.)

Top Five People I Would Risk Screwing Up Space-Time To Have Dinner With

1. Thomas Jefferson

2. Katherine Hepburn

3. Winston Churchill 

4. Guy Fawkes

5. John Lennon 

(Please note: I doubt I would actually get along with all of these people, but I'd certainly be interested in talking with them.)

 

Top Five Animals I Would Have Liked A Chance To Name

1. Zebras

2. Belugas

3. Spider monkeys 

4. Hobo spiders

5. Baboons  

Top Five Reasons I Should Not Be Writing This Blog Right Now:

1. It is rather long, and people will probably not make it to the end 

2. I ought to be doing a scholarship application.

3. I ought to be doing homework.

4. I do not type with good form, and will probably give myself carpal tunnel. 

5. There is no fifth reason; take that, formatting! 

(Please note: if you did make it to the end, kudos; I don't have a vendetta against formatting, necessarily-- it just bugs me occasionally, so I'm being a rebel at this juncture; "juncture" is a cool word.)

In conclusion: I like lists.

Please, feel free to make lists of your own and point me in their direction. Lists are fab. 

In which I am on a mission.

Guys, I am on a MISSION. Yeah. The title of this blog does not lie. I have been chosen to take on a sacred quest. I think it happened some time after I saw the third or fourth one of my friends have a nervous breakdown...today. Seriously, my friends are averaging three or four or five nervous breakdowns a day and it just isn't okay with me.

So. Clear ten or fifteen minutes in your schedule, take a couple of deep breaths, and watch these videos. I am giving them my personal guarantee. At least one of them will make you laugh.

This will help. Honest.

Ready? GO.

(For the record, there are links at the bottom in case the embedded videos are not working for you. Just scro-o-o-o-oll on down.)


In which there is ping-pong, and levitation:



In which there is ENERGY, and also (this is your warning!) language you would not want to use in front of your grandmother/baby sister/chosen religious figure:



In which Powerthirst has a sequel, and there are rocket-cans:



In which there are jokes about Pachelbel, and it's funnier than you think it's going to be:



In which there is a baby, and paper:



Just, I implore you. Watch the whole thing. If this doesn't work, there is no hope for you. Just...come ON.




Links, in case the embedding didn't work for you for some reason:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iptbt0w67ZE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-3qncy5Qfk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdxkVQy7QLM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXXm696UbKY

In which I cannot make small talk, and am not quite sure what to think.

(From xkdc.com.)

So yes, this is what I had to do today. Make quite a lot of small talk. It was some interesting small talk, with people who were considering Franklin College, but interesting or not...that doesn't change the fact that I am occasionally quite bad at it.

Oh, college. Jeez.

In which there are startled exclamations, people win things, and there are victory sticks.

Things I Really Wish: 

1. If I am ever killed by a giant in the woods, die with a startled shriek, and then fall over backwards, someone had better say, "Oh, snap!" into the silence that will follow my death. 

Thank you, random attendee of "Into The Woods," tonight, for giving me something to hope for.

2. That I didn't have this headache right now. :[

3. That Natalie Colvin could just provide the soundtrack OF MY LIFE. That was intense.

Things That I Don't Need To Wish For Any More, Seeing As How They, Well, Already Happened: 

1. Commoner won best-in-state! This is news to exactly no one at this point, obviously, but that does not mean I'm not wildly pleased about it. Heeeeeeeeeee. :] 

2. I got a Superior? I always did want a medal with a picture of breadsticks on it. 

(I really do think this is really cool. It's just that, the medal looks like a picture of two hands either holding baseball bats, or breadsticks. I've chosen breadsticks. Or, as Caty and I have dubbed them, "victory sticks.")

3. Other people won things too! Eeeeeeeeee. :]

Colin, Laurel, Andrew, Ryan, Taylor (and Danny! I don't know why you're in parentheses, but you are, and I'm too lazy to go back and change it now! sorry! I still think you're cool!) and anyone whom I forgot (it's really late, okay? so don't hate me please, if I did manage to forget you), YOU ARE SO FANTASTIC, YAAAAAAAY. 

Things Which I Genuinely Need:

1. One last $12,000 a year for college. 

Anyone? Anyone?

(...Bueller?) 

In which I do not think of new things to say, explain that appeals courts are not appealing, and name a penguin or two.

Instead of thinking of new interesting things to say, I'm going to recycle old (theoretically interesting) things which I have already said. So! Today I...

Took Gov Notes: 

"The courts!

So, colonists weren't wild about the British judicial system-- so far from wild that they just said, "pssh, forget federal courts" for eight years. Oops. This was called the "Critical Period," basically because it sucked. Then along came the Constitution, shouting things like, "One Supreme Court," and away we went. Thanks, Constitution! The Constitution also said judges judged for life, or "during good behavior." No wild parties Sandra Day O'Connor. Anyway, then the Constitution was like, "hey Supreme Court, your original jurisdiction is stuff about public figures, or cat fights between Nebraska and Maine. So we'll give you appellate jursidiction over pretty much everything else, just for kicks. Enjoy!" 

So after THAT, we got ourselves district courts, which are basically a way to enter a criminal trial into the federal court system-- sounds like fun doesn't it? Plus, we've got courts of appeal, for-- get this-- APPEALING THINGS!"

END GOV NOTES.

Just for the record? "Appealing things," does not mean things which are appealing, but rather, taking another shot at not being convicted of a crime, because you were bad at it the first time. So, appeals courts? Not my way of saying courts which are aesthetically pleasing, or, in fact, pleasing in any other way. 

I also made a list:

A LIST OF ACCEPTABLE NAMES

...

FOR A PENGUIN

1. Bongo

2. Fred

3. Oh-Look-That-Bird-Dances-And-Sounds-Like-Elijah-Wood

4. James Bond

5. Livingston

6. Katerina

7. Lucy

8. Jimmy Stewart (the Penguin)

9. Penguin

10. Elizabeth

11. Bert

12. Mr Puff-n-Stuff

13. His Excellency

14. Margaret

15. Florence

16. Demetri

17. Ferdinand

18. Winston Churchill

19. Franco (ko?) contributed by Camille

20. Xavier contributed by Colin

END LIST OF PENGUIN NAMES

Yep. There it is, my day in a nutshell. That was...pretty much it! Enjoy? :]

In which I mock boats, Brussels, Buddha, and lots of other things that don't actually start with 'b.'

Mocking Heart of Darkness: Part I (read: I have time on my hands, and a deep-seated resentment toward Joseph Conrad)

I was on a boat. The boat was in some water. I thought to myself, 'that's interesting, a boat in water!' Then Marlow started talking. Marlow is kind of weird, but we put up with him, because of the bonds of the sea.

I'm not actually sure what they are, but they sound important.

Marlow sat cross-legged, like a Buddha. That probably meant something deep and portentious, but mostly I just thought it made him look silly. He talked for a while about Britain, and Romans, and marshes. I was not particularly interested in it, but since the boat was just kind of sitting around in the water, I didn't have much to do but listen to him and record his every word with painstaking accuracy, so that I could later write it down.

Shut up, it seemed important at the time.

Anywho, he pretty much just kept on monologuing. He's a monologuer, is Marlow. When he's not talking about his horrible experiences in the heart of an immense darkness (try to remember that, it'll be important later; though truthfully, if you can't remember it, don't sweat it, it will be repeated so many times it will lose all meaning) he likes to talk about awesome stuff like how Brussels reminds him of a white sepulchre. Something about how brussel sprouts die when they are pulled from the ground, and he is reminded of their tiny, vegetative screams each time he walks Brussels' streets?

Marlow's a little overdramatic.

He talked about how he has met a lot of creepy people. Seriously, Marlow has met a lot of creepy people. There were these creepy old ladies, who liked to knit (which, hi, knitting is so NOT inherently creepy; I enjoy knitting the occasional tea cozy, so back off Marlow), and this creepy doctor, who liked to measure people's skulls (I thought this was really creepy, until I realized he measured the skulls while they were still inside people's skin, as opposed to out), and creepy rivers that look like snakes. Yeah. Marlow has met a lot of inanimate objects, in his day. Rivers, jungles, rivets. You name it, he's met it.

Frankly, I think Marlow is a tad creepy himself.

Then he talked about going to the Congo. He went there on a boat. Whoa, big surprise there. He traveled on this boat until he got to That One River He Likes to Compare to A Snake, In Hopes of Getting His Fellow Shipmates to Learn About Symbolism, But Obviously It Really Just Annoys Them, Since They Definitely Did Not Sign Up For A Voyage to Africa So That They Could Chat About Literary Devices.

Anyway.

Basically, Marlow got to the Outer Station and met an accountant. Only, he wasn't an accountant. He was an Accountant. Yeah. Everybody bow down before that guy.

I'm assuming Accountants are cooler than mere accountants, but not as cool as ACCOUNTANTS. Marlow ended up kind of obsessed with the Accountant, which is sad. I say, demand to obsess over the best. Wait until a full-fledged ACCOUNTANT comes along.

Marlow hung around with his Accountant for a couple of days, until he left and never saw him again. Let me just say now that the Accountant never came up later in Marlow's story, either. 

Tad fickle, don't you think? 

END PART I

In which I carry toilet paper, cannot make up my mind about Poisonwood, and announce that my word is law.

Have you ever strode through an Albertson's parking lot carrying three large packages of toilet paper? 

I do not recommend it, actually. It makes you feel just a tad silly, and has little to no entertainment value. 

General Stuff, Also Known As, Stuff in General: 

1. I am really not sure what to make of Poisonwood Bible. On the one hand, I'm liking it an awful lot more then Heart of Darkness (it was dark; we were moving into the darkness' heart, where it was dark; it was dark in the darkness; I felt as if it was becoming darker in the dark darkness, where it was darkly dark, surrounded by impenetrably dark darkness), and I find the characters relatively interesting. On the other hand I can't help feeling at times that Kingsolver is preaching to me, a little (no pun intended). Which I have never enjoyed.

2. I have decided that the animal-type-thing that Colin drew on our "baby toy" for Early Human is the next Teletubby, basically. Only, as Colin has pointed out, it will not be able to say "hello," as it is saying on the baby toy. It will have to speak in some strange and unintelligible "language." So. Glorpnog! 

(You have to imagine it said in a friendly tone, obviously. Friendly, but somehow terrifying.) 

3. HOW HARD WAS THAT "HALL OF FAME" SURVEY? 

Answer: AAAAAAAAAHHH. 

Seriously, AP classes have done nothing to prepare me for the sheer terror of filling that thing out. Hardest to forget? Person I'd bring home to mom and dad? Best of friends? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!

The only one that was a cinch to decide was my write-in vote. Most Quietiest: Colin Gorestein. Congrats, Colin, you will live on in infamy. I'm just that important-- my responses to surveys are law. 

4. The Dutch just won their World Baseball Classic game against the Dominican Republic! I've discovered, over the course of this eleven inning game, that I am a sucker for underdogs from the Netherlands. Apparently there's some good baseball making its way out of Amsterdam-- who knew?