In which there are lots of lists, lists are fab, and I do not walk on porcupines.

Lately, in Commoner, there have been lists. Well, lists of sorts. Lists of Things Which Make People Happy. I have always been a fan of lists such as these, and in fact of all lists, and so I have made rather a lot of lists.

Now I share some of those lists with you, internets. Do with them what you will.

(Well, within reason. I don't know what you'd do with these lists that was without reason, but whatever it would be? Don't do it.)

Top Five Things That Hurt My Feet

1. Hiking in really terrible shoes.

2. Hiking in shoes that are just sort of okay.

3. Standing around making small talk in heels.

4. Taking showers that are too hot.

5. Walking on porcupines.

(Please note: I do not walk on porcupines. This would hurt not only my feet, but also, presumably, the porcupines. Also, I would have to procure several relatively docile porcupines, and then dredge up the courage and the cruelty to walk on them. I could not do any of those things! I would be a really spectacular failure at walking on porcupines.)

Top Five Words I Could Not Live Without

1. Fab

2. Spectacular

3. Bye-eee! 

4. Really-kind-of 

5. Splendiferous

(Please note: "Bye-eee!" should be said in Tina Fey's Sarah Palin voice; I use the three words, "really," "kind," and "of" together so often that they count as one word in my book; I could live without the word splendiferous, but would not want to; this list is completely different from my list of Favorite Words To Say, seriously.)

Top Five Books I'd Like To See Written

1. The Things Duct Tape Cannot Fix

2. How I Cheated At Monopoly (And Didn't Get Caught)

3. A Distinct Lack of Dazzle 

4. The Life and Times of Princess Leia's Hair

5. Where's My Wandering Parakeet?

(Please note: The Things Duct Tape Cannot Fix would be an awfully short book; I have no idea what any of these books would be about-- feel free to suggest things, because I think that would be amusing/interesting/generally great; it could be argued that I am writing number five, but it could also be argued that someone else really would do it better justice.)

Top Five 'How To' Guides I Would Actually Find Useful

1. How To Ignore The Pain From A Hangnail

2. How To Eliminate Writer's Block

3. How To Fold Road Maps Back Into Their Original Shapes

4. How To Free Tibet

5. How To Make Friends With Either One or Several Penguins

(Please note: if anyone knows how to do any of these things, you should really be rich by now.)

Top Five People I Would Risk Screwing Up Space-Time To Have Dinner With

1. Thomas Jefferson

2. Katherine Hepburn

3. Winston Churchill 

4. Guy Fawkes

5. John Lennon 

(Please note: I doubt I would actually get along with all of these people, but I'd certainly be interested in talking with them.)

 

Top Five Animals I Would Have Liked A Chance To Name

1. Zebras

2. Belugas

3. Spider monkeys 

4. Hobo spiders

5. Baboons  

Top Five Reasons I Should Not Be Writing This Blog Right Now:

1. It is rather long, and people will probably not make it to the end 

2. I ought to be doing a scholarship application.

3. I ought to be doing homework.

4. I do not type with good form, and will probably give myself carpal tunnel. 

5. There is no fifth reason; take that, formatting! 

(Please note: if you did make it to the end, kudos; I don't have a vendetta against formatting, necessarily-- it just bugs me occasionally, so I'm being a rebel at this juncture; "juncture" is a cool word.)

In conclusion: I like lists.

Please, feel free to make lists of your own and point me in their direction. Lists are fab.