In which I mock boats, Brussels, Buddha, and lots of other things that don't actually start with 'b.'

Mocking Heart of Darkness: Part I (read: I have time on my hands, and a deep-seated resentment toward Joseph Conrad)

I was on a boat. The boat was in some water. I thought to myself, 'that's interesting, a boat in water!' Then Marlow started talking. Marlow is kind of weird, but we put up with him, because of the bonds of the sea.

I'm not actually sure what they are, but they sound important.

Marlow sat cross-legged, like a Buddha. That probably meant something deep and portentious, but mostly I just thought it made him look silly. He talked for a while about Britain, and Romans, and marshes. I was not particularly interested in it, but since the boat was just kind of sitting around in the water, I didn't have much to do but listen to him and record his every word with painstaking accuracy, so that I could later write it down.

Shut up, it seemed important at the time.

Anywho, he pretty much just kept on monologuing. He's a monologuer, is Marlow. When he's not talking about his horrible experiences in the heart of an immense darkness (try to remember that, it'll be important later; though truthfully, if you can't remember it, don't sweat it, it will be repeated so many times it will lose all meaning) he likes to talk about awesome stuff like how Brussels reminds him of a white sepulchre. Something about how brussel sprouts die when they are pulled from the ground, and he is reminded of their tiny, vegetative screams each time he walks Brussels' streets?

Marlow's a little overdramatic.

He talked about how he has met a lot of creepy people. Seriously, Marlow has met a lot of creepy people. There were these creepy old ladies, who liked to knit (which, hi, knitting is so NOT inherently creepy; I enjoy knitting the occasional tea cozy, so back off Marlow), and this creepy doctor, who liked to measure people's skulls (I thought this was really creepy, until I realized he measured the skulls while they were still inside people's skin, as opposed to out), and creepy rivers that look like snakes. Yeah. Marlow has met a lot of inanimate objects, in his day. Rivers, jungles, rivets. You name it, he's met it.

Frankly, I think Marlow is a tad creepy himself.

Then he talked about going to the Congo. He went there on a boat. Whoa, big surprise there. He traveled on this boat until he got to That One River He Likes to Compare to A Snake, In Hopes of Getting His Fellow Shipmates to Learn About Symbolism, But Obviously It Really Just Annoys Them, Since They Definitely Did Not Sign Up For A Voyage to Africa So That They Could Chat About Literary Devices.

Anyway.

Basically, Marlow got to the Outer Station and met an accountant. Only, he wasn't an accountant. He was an Accountant. Yeah. Everybody bow down before that guy.

I'm assuming Accountants are cooler than mere accountants, but not as cool as ACCOUNTANTS. Marlow ended up kind of obsessed with the Accountant, which is sad. I say, demand to obsess over the best. Wait until a full-fledged ACCOUNTANT comes along.

Marlow hung around with his Accountant for a couple of days, until he left and never saw him again. Let me just say now that the Accountant never came up later in Marlow's story, either. 

Tad fickle, don't you think? 

END PART I